


Story of the Jade

by Biscuit Lion (cookiethelion)



Series: Valet Service [11]
Category: British Comedy RPF
Genre: Apes & Monkeys, Chinese Zodiac, Crack, Dogs, Dragons, M/M, Mild Language, Stage Play Format, contains thinly disguised intertextual references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-26
Updated: 2013-12-26
Packaged: 2018-01-06 02:59:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1101588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cookiethelion/pseuds/Biscuit%20Lion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thom goes to check on Mark and Tim.</p><p>(You know those days when you get so frustrated with prose, you decide to write a fic in a play format instead? That's essentially what happened to this.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Story of the Jade

**Author's Note:**

> Beta'd by LittleAppleAngel  
> \----
> 
> 11\. [A Horse Walks Into A Bar](http://archiveofourown.org/works/915885/chapters/1776522)  
> 12\. **Story of the Jade**  
>  13\. [Black Mane, White Tail](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1162253)  
> \----
> 
> Note:  
> A _beat_ indicates a natural break in speech  
>  A _pause_ is longer than a beat, but shorter than a silence  
>  A _silence_ lasts the longest; I've never been taught any specific time limit for silences, so I leave mine for the actors to determine

_A forest. On stage is a tent for two. In front of the tent are a pile of unlit logs._

_MARK is sitting behind the logs. His clothes are dirty, and his waistcoat is unbuttoned. He wears a plain, square jade pendant on a gold chain around his neck. Next to him is a pair of broken glasses, two swords, and a guandao._

_Enter THOM, running. Twigs, leaves, and mud stains are stuck to his coat. He sees MARK, and hugs him for a long time. Silence._

THOM: _Still hugging MARK._ Thank God you’re OK.

MARK: I’ll be careful from now on.

THOM: Where’s Tim?

MARK: He’s still chasing Aries.

_THOM stops hugging MARK, but his arms remain around MARK’s shoulders._

THOM: Have we got Aries’ brooch?

MARK: No. Jimmy was still fighting him when I came round again. Aries pushed him over and ran.

THOM: I need to –

_THOM tries to get up, but his arms remain on MARK’s shoulders._

MARK: Thom, you’re hurt.

THOM: I’m fine –

_MARK grabs one of THOM’s wrists. THOM shouts in pain. MARK lets go, and forces THOM to stay sitting down with him._

MARK: Tim can manage. You know what he’s like. He’s got a spear with him this time.

THOM: A spear?

MARK: Aries uses twin sabers, so he needed something to keep his distance. He gave me this –

_MARK fails to lift the guandao with one hand._

To defend myself with. Before he left, he told me to hand the swords over to you.

THOM: Can you pass them to me?

MARK: I’ll hand them over when you can move your arms again.

THOM: I can still hold onto things.

MARK: I can defend both of us.

THOM: I won’t let you.

MARK: It’s not like you can do better.

_Silence._

THOM: This isn’t fair.

MARK: Thom…

THOM: When Sweetheart gets an emergency call, he has headaches. Why do I have to lose my arms?

MARK: Thom.

THOM: Khorsandi gets back pain, but she can still walk and do stuff like normal.

_MARK grabs THOM’s wrist. THOM shouts in pain, and MARK lets go._

MARK: You were rambling again.

_Silence._

THOM: Can I look at your glasses?

_THOM tries to hold out his hand. MARK places THOM’s hand on his thighs, and hands him the broken glasses._

THOM: What happened?

MARK: I’m not sure. They fell off, and Aries pierced them in half. _Beat._ We were lucky I was testing how to make gemstones this morning. _Beat._ This jade was the best one I managed. Tim kept it on him for safekeeping.

THOM: And now it’s your Item.

MARK: My final chance, yeah.

THOM: What about the chain?

MARK: Tim made it after I’d touched the jade.

THOM: So even if it’s cut into half – 

MARK: I won’t be dying just yet.

THOM: Don’t say that.

MARK: That’s never going to happen. You know what Tim’s metalwork is like.

THOM: What if it’s a direct hit to the jade? How tough is it?

MARK: I’m not sure. It’s definitely not brittle.

THOM: I hope it isn’t. We’ll be a member down if you … you know.

MARK: It’s not going to happen soon.

_Silence._

_Enter TIM, carrying a spear. His clothes are just as dirty as MARK’s._

THOM: Have you got his brooch?

TIM: No. He got away.

THOM: Fuck.

MARK: Tim, are you OK?

TIM: I’m fine.

MARK: Where’s your armour?

TIM: I threw it aside. The chest plate’s useless now.

MARK: Why? What happened?

TIM: Aries stabbed me in the chest. I’m lucky the metal was thick enough to stop him.

MARK: What…?

_MARK tries to get up, but stops when he remembers THOM is still leaning on him. TIM puts his spear down, and sits down next to MARK._

TIM: He tried to stab me here – 

_TIM points at his chest. MARK starts to run his hand over his chest._

MARK: Are you sure – 

TIM: The tip went nowhere near. His saber jammed half-way in.

THOM: Where’s Carr?

TIM: He left to tell the other leaders about Aries.

MARK: How did Aries get away?

TIM: He shapeshifted. Turned into a mole, and burrowed into the ground. We dug up the tunnel, but he was gone by then.

THOM: Probably would have been faster if you had the guandao.

TIM: It wouldn’t have made a difference.

THOM: Why did you leave the guandao to Mark?

TIM: What’s that supposed to mean?

THOM: Come on, a guandao’s better than a spear.

MARK: It is?

THOM: It’s got a bigger head, it’s heavier, and you’re the stronger one.

_Pause. TIM and MARK look at each other._

TIM: Mark _is_ painfully thin, but…

MARK: I _can_ use the guandao as well.

TIM: Exactly. The spear’s lighter, and it suits my style better.

THOM: _To MARK._ I want to see you use the guandao.

_THOM tries to move his arms, but ends up slipping off MARK instead. TIM goes to help THOM sit up again. MARK stands up, and picks up the guandao with both hands._

MARK: You want to see me swing it?

THOM: Yeah.

TIM: Can’t we do this somewhere else?

THOM: There’s plenty of space here.

TIM: I don’t want Mark ripping our tent in half.

MARK: It’s fine, if I just stand back…

_MARK walks back. He effortlessly spins the guandao in a full rotation using both his hands._

TIM: _To THOM._ I told you.

THOM: Alright, you win.

_THOM struggles to point at the swords._

THOM: What about the swords?

TIM: I’m not sure.

MARK: You made the spear and guandao first…

TIM: And then the swords kind of … formed.

MARK: Didn’t you say something about it matching…?

TIM: I might have. I felt that it was … just … _right_ for the swords.

_Pause._

THOM: If I could move these stupid arms – 

_THOM tries to move his arms again, but fails. MARK puts the guandao down and sits next to TIM._

TIM: Why are you so desperate to use the swords?

THOM: You shouldn’t be protecting me.

TIM: Why not?

THOM: I’m your leader. If anything happens to you, I’m meant to be there.

MARK: We know.

TIM: But you can’t even move your arms right now.

THOM: Tim … Mark …

TIM: We’ve just shown you we’re not useless.

THOM: I know…

MARK: You do enough for us.

THOM: But what if something happens to me?

TIM: Then Miles will take over, and we’re not going to complain.

MARK: I’m happy with Miles as well.

THOM: I know _that_ , but –

MARK: You’re rambling again. Tim, should we give Miles a call?

TIM: Yeah, we should.

_MARK clutches the jade, but THOM manages to wave his arms to stop him._

THOM: Don’t. It’s not worth it.

_Silence. MARK remains holding onto the jade._

THOM: Stop worrying. I’m fine. Look.

_THOM clicks his fingers. Nothing happens._

TIM: We can light the fire later.

_THOM continues to click his fingers. Nothing happens._

TIM: Thom.

MARK: Stop.

_THOM continues to click his fingers. TIM tries to grab his wrist, but THOM dodges by pushing himself off TIM. MARK runs over to THOM, but THOM rolls out of the way._

MARK: Tim –

_THOM tries to get up, but his arms are still too weak. TIM dives, and pins him back onto the floor. MARK grabs THOM’s wrist. THOM cries out in pain._

TIM: _To MARK._ Get Miles.

_MARK lets go of THOM, and clutches the jade._

THOM: Don’t – if he knows, he’s never going to let this go.

MARK: That sounds like a good idea. Tim?

TIM: Go for it.

THOM: We really don’t need to bother him.

MARK: Promise?

THOM: Yes.

_Pause. MARK lets go of the jade, and TIM gets off THOM._

THOM: I need to go. As long as you two are OK…

MARK: Don’t worry. We are.

_THOM struggles to stand up. TIM and MARK help him up._

THOM: You can let go now.

TIM: We’ll carry you back.

THOM: What about your weapons?

MARK: Nobody ever walks in far enough to find us.

TIM: And unless they’re a Valet, everything’s going to be too heavy for them to lift up.

THOM: You could at least give me the swords.

TIM: We’ll hand them to you later, when you can use your arms again.

_Exit THOM, TIM, and MARK._


End file.
